Why You Fear the Unknown — and What It Can Teach You | Maya Shankar and Simone Stolzoff | TED

The discussion explores human aversion to uncertainty, its evolutionary roots, and practical strategies for navigating it, particularly in the context of life changes and identity. A study from University College London revealed that participants were more anxious facing a 50% chance of a painful electric shock than a 100% chance. This suggests a preference for certainty, even if negative, over ambiguity. Simone Stolzoff and Maya Shankar agree this is deeply ingrained, an evolutionary survival instinct. Our brains are wired to predict and prepare for risks, but this can lead to distress when faced with uncontrollable situations. Shankar likens it to preferring to know the end of a story, citing a study where waiting for medical results was more stressful than receiving a diagnosis. This discomfort stems from a perceived lack of agency during uncertainty; we grasp for control, and once information is received, the situation feels more fixed. Stolzoff connects this to professional and personal life uncertainties, using the evolutionary example of a rustle in the bushes. Certainty provides safety, while uncertainty triggers discomfort. This instinct can be beneficial, like prompting seatbelt use, but can also hinder growth. The discomfort with uncertainty can lead individuals to maintain unfulfilling jobs or relationships, clinging to the status quo rather than facing the unknown. Certainty, while grounding, can also have a narrowing effect, limiting our perception of possibilities. Conversely, tolerating not knowing allows for a broader view of potential outcomes. The conversation then delves into the intersection of identity and change. Shankar posits that change is often scary because it threatens our self-identity. Identities, labels, and roles provide camaraderie, meaning, and purpose, warding off existential dread. However, unexpected change can destabilize these identities, leaving us feeling unmoored. Shankar shares a personal experience: her identity as a concert violinist, a refuge from bullying, was shattered by a career-ending injury. She grieved not just the instrument but herself, realizing how entangled her sense of belonging, self-confidence, and purpose were with this singular identity. This led her to a crucial lesson: anchoring identity to "why" rather than "what." She realized her passion for music stemmed from human connection. Though she could no longer play, the "why" of connection remained. This allowed her to explore new avenues, becoming a cognitive scientist studying human connection and fostering deep connections through her podcast and writing. Anchoring identity in one's "why" provides a compass for navigating future changes, as the core passion remains intact. Stolzoff resonates with this, linking it to his book "The Good Enough Job," which advocates for diversifying identities. Anchoring to "why" is more robust against external shifts. He recounts stories of individuals who identified solely with their jobs. When layoffs occurred, they felt lost, questioning their identity. He highlights Liz, a high-achiever whose identity was tied to accomplishments as an athlete, teacher, and lawyer. A chronic illness forced her to shift from defining herself by external achievements to her "evergreen traits" – her values and virtues. This provided a more durable identity, resilient to external changes. Both authors agree that possibility resides within uncertainty and change. Shankar's book, "The Other Side of Change," was born from a personal need to understand how to shift reactions to difficult events. She emphasizes that significant changes lead to lasting internal transformation, often revealing hidden strengths. While people may not be grateful for hardship itself, they are often grateful for the person they become as a result. Stolzoff adds that embracing uncertainty, despite the accompanying stress, can lead to unimagined growth. He uses the example of Stewart Butterfield, founder of Tiny Speck, who shut down their successful game, Glitch, despite significant investment. He pivoted to an internal communication tool, which became Slack. This willingness to face uncertainty and pivot, rather than sticking to a known path, led to immense success. He quotes psychologist Rollo May: "Commitment is healthiest, not in the absence of doubt, but in spite of doubt." This highlights the importance of persisting despite uncertainty. When asked for advice on embracing uncertainty, Stolzoff suggests finding "anchors" – certain aspects of life that remain stable, like core values or commitments, which make holding uncertainty in other areas easier. He also advocates for having faith, not necessarily religious, but a belief in eventually reaching a destination, and crucially, taking action. Action can absorb anxiety and create clarity. He draws a parallel to dealing with climate anxiety, where finding one actionable step provides agency. Martin Luther King Jr.'s quote, "you can take one step and hopefully the staircase will emerge," is invoked to emphasize that action can reveal the path forward. Shankar shares the story of Reginald Dwayne Betts, who was incarcerated at 16. His greatest fear wasn't losing his future life but becoming a certain kind of person in prison. This relates to the psychological concept of "possible selves." Betts was inspired by a fellow prisoner, Bilal, who embodied dignity and self-improvement despite his circumstances. Bilal's example cracked open Betts's imagination about his own potential. This "moral elevation" – the feeling inspired by witnessing extraordinary human behavior – can rewire our brains and expand our sense of what’s possible for ourselves. Betts began writing poetry, eventually becoming a Yale Law graduate and MacArthur Genius recipient. Shankar highlights that moral elevation is accessible through observing kindness, courage, or self-sacrifice in others, and also by being that source of inspiration for others. Stolzoff suggests that reflecting on past instances of navigating uncertainty can build confidence in our ability to do so again. He then addresses a question about turning discomfort into curiosity and a clear next step. He references ethicist Ira Bedzow's three questions for decision-making: "What do you want?", "Do you want to want that?", and crucially, "What does this choice say about who you are as a person?" Connecting decisions to values and identity allows one to stand by choices even if the outcome isn't ideal. Shankar elaborates on the Chinese symbol for chaos also meaning opportunity, linking it to the etymology of "apocalypse" from the Greek "apocalypsis," meaning revelation. Change, while disruptive, can reveal hidden aspects of ourselves, our values, and our abilities. She shares her personal journey of infertility and pregnancy loss, which revealed her own deeply ingrained belief that her self-worth as a woman was tied to having children. This revelation, though painful, allowed her to deconstruct and revise her internal narrative, ultimately leading to unexpected happiness and gratitude as a child-free individual. She emphasizes that experiences are rarely purely good or bad, and discerning the opportunity within the "rubble" can unlock significant growth. Stolzoff shares a similar experience with his wife's pregnancy journey, which involved uncertainty and loss. He describes the intense waiting period, mirroring the electric shock study and the breast cancer patient analogy. Despite the eventual loss of their unborn child, they found beauty in their heightened connection and repeated the mantra "we are open." He notes that grief teaches us what we care about and that loss can deepen appreciation for future joys, like the birth of their son, Luca. He references Cheryl Strayed's concept of "ghost ships" – the lives we could have lived – and the necessity of waving goodbye to them to live fully in the present. Maya Shankar offers two tools for embracing uncertainty: affect labeling, which involves naming specific negative emotions to create psychological distance from them, and self-affirmation exercises, where individuals write down valued traits and identities that remain unaffected by the current change. These help maintain a sense of a rich, multi-dimensional life. Simone Stolzoff concludes with a story about his friend Emily, whose mother faced a terminal diagnosis. A doctor friend advised Emily to trust her "future self," stating that the version of herself who would deal with the tragedy, if it occurred, would be better equipped. Stolzoff encourages trusting future selves, as catastrophizing in the present distracts from current influence. He suggests focusing on constants, naming feelings without being them, and cultivating trust in one's future self.