We Combined Finances Now I'm Regretting It

A wife, married for almost 20 years, recently combined finances with her husband, a decision she now finds frustrating. Despite her efforts to create budgets, her husband won't adhere to them or help create them, leading to his spending feeling out of control. She feels stressed by his actions, especially since she recently doubled her income, now earning over $90,000, more than him without his VA benefits. Their household income is about $12,000 net, but money seems to "fly out somewhere," often on his hobbies like a dirt bike and a four-wheeler. The core issue isn't the combined income, but her husband's reluctance to engage in shared financial life. She has tried to express her fears about their financial future and debt, but he dismisses her concerns, promising to discuss it later, only to push it back repeatedly. He believes making minimum payments and still going out to eat is fine, while she longs to buckle down, get out of debt, and provide more opportunities for their son. A proposed "last-ditch framework" suggests she initiate a serious conversation. She should tell him, "The story I'm making up is you don't care that I can't breathe in our house. The story I'm making up is you don't care about our financial future and that we're not safe. The story I'm making up is debt doesn't bother you at all, and it does bother me, and you don't care." Then, she should express her feelings of fear and loneliness, giving him a chance to respond. This approach aims to avoid defensiveness by owning her perspective. If he still disengages, she may need to take ownership of her financial future independently. A devil's advocate perspective suggests that while waiting for him to "man up," she shouldn't remain passive. Drawing from a friend's experience, she could create a budget that includes items important to him. She would present the budget, stating she'll move forward with it by a certain date. Then, she would use any remaining margin to pay off debt, informing him of her actions. This way, she takes action, leading by example and demonstrating progress, even if he's not fully on board, becoming "the person you want to be in your marriage." If necessary, she might have to separate finances again, not out of anger, but to protect their son and household, checking her credit report for any unauthorized debts.