My Husband Got Scammed Out Of $100k Behind My Back

A caller’s husband took approximately $100,000 from his 401k and drew on a HELOC without her full knowledge, subsequently losing the money in an online scam. The husband invested the money with a person he believed was part of an online bank, promising a return on investment. The wife discovered the issue when her husband confessed about a month prior to the call. She was aware of the HELOC being open and had signed for it, but was unaware he would be borrowing from it. The couple's household income is over $100,000. The situation presents two major problems: the loss of $100,000 and, more significantly, the breach of trust due to her husband's deceit. The wife states that the lack of trust is the harder part of the situation. Despite a month passing since the confession, they have not yet sought marriage counseling because the husband claims he is "not ready." This lack of readiness is concerning, as the wife is becoming increasingly frustrated. It is suggested that the husband should be actively seeking forgiveness and making amends, rather than waiting to be ready. His actions are not demonstrating repentance, which is crucial for healing. Repentance involves acknowledging the mistake, expressing genuine sorrow, and taking steps to correct the wrong. The husband's current stance of "not ready" is seen as a major impediment to rebuilding trust. The advice is for the wife to firmly communicate that marriage counseling is non-negotiable and needs to happen within seven days. Without this commitment, the relationship cannot move forward, as trust is fundamentally broken. To rebuild trust, new systems and processes must be put in place, ensuring that all major financial decisions are made jointly. A personal anecdote is shared about learning to involve a spouse in all significant financial decisions after experiencing a major financial setback. This new system ensures mutual agreement and transparency, gradually helping to restore trust. The betrayal of trust in this situation is compared to a sexual affair, highlighting its severity. The husband not only lied and was financially irresponsible by falling for a scam, but he is also acting as if he dictates the timeline for resolution. This attitude is unacceptable, and he needs to be "made ready" to address the issues. Marriage counseling is urged immediately to guide the couple through transparency and mutual agreement on all future actions. This proactive approach ensures that both partners are aligned and make better decisions together, preventing similar situations in the future. The absence of such joint decision-making can lead to further issues, as the wife is left wondering what else her husband might be concealing or when he would have revealed the scam if it had initially gone well. The ball is now in the wife's court to initiate the necessary steps for healing, which must begin with her husband's repentance and a commitment to change.