Why are so many adult children moving back home? | Julie Lythcott-Haims | TEDxSonomaCounty

The speaker, a Gen Xer who authored a parenting book on raising independent children, shares her personal experience with her son, Sawyer, who, at 20, moved back home after dropping out of college. Sawyer's intellectual brilliance was overshadowed by untreated ADHD and anxiety, leading to depression and a mental health crisis just before the pandemic. When the shelter-in-place order came, he moved back in with his parents, confiding that he feared he'd never make it alone. His parents, feeling helpless and unsure of their role with an adult child, struggled with how to support him, questioning whether they could compel him to seek therapy. As Sawyer remained at home, not returning to school, the speaker initially feared judgment and considered it a failure if he was still living with them at 25. However, Sawyer is now almost 27 and still lives at home. This led her to realize their family situation isn't unique, as current statistics show a significant rise in adult children living with their parents in the United States, a trend not seen since the late 1940s. Many returned due to the pandemic and stayed. This widespread trend prompted the speaker to question whether it signifies failure or a profound societal shift, a return to multigenerational living common in many cultures globally and historically. She investigated why young adults in the U.S. began leaving home in large numbers in the late 1940s. This coincided with the end of World War II, the GI Bill supporting education for veterans, the development of affordable single-family homes in suburbs, and a federal minimum wage that could support a family of three. This economic environment, combined with capitalism, fostered the idea of young adults leaving home to live and consume as individuals. Today's adult children face a different reality. The world is arguably scarier, marked by a pandemic, climate change, rising authoritarianism, and war. Housing and college costs have skyrocketed while wages have stagnated, making it difficult for even full-time workers to afford rent. Furthermore, this generation is more likely to have diagnoses of learning differences or mental health challenges, and unlike prior generations, they are more open about seeking help. The speaker also acknowledges that over-parenting, which limited free play, interaction with strangers, and opportunities for children to handle life tasks, might contribute to their current reticence to venture out independently. However, the upside of this parenting style is a stronger bond between parents and children. When Sawyer faced his crisis, he felt safe returning home and opening up to his parents, a level of intimacy the speaker, as a Gen Xer, didn't experience with her own parents. The family entered therapy, where the speaker learned she was avoiding difficult conversations with Sawyer, such as the state of his room or his plans for school or work, out of fear of his emotional reactions and to protect herself. She realized this avoidance inadvertently sent him a message that she doubted his ability to handle "adulting." Through therapy, they learned to communicate openly, express gratitude, acknowledge each other's truths, and offer support without taking responsibility for another's situation. This new communication pattern transformed their family dynamics. Sawyer began "adulting": he secured a fulfilling full-time job as an aide for children with anxiety and ADHD, redecorated his childhood room (a small but significant step towards feeling adult), and at 23, obtained his driver's license. His parents consistently affirmed his progress. As Sawyer's capacity to contribute increased, they asked him to pay rent. Despite initial emotional resistance, he agreed, and his parents supported him. Unexpectedly, both parents later faced significant professional setbacks, leaving 25-year-old Sawyer as the only one in the house with a full-time job and benefits. The family then faced a profound challenge when the speaker's mother became ill. Sawyer, along with his parents, became a caregiver. During this difficult period, the speaker realized the invaluable role Sawyer played, admitting she didn't know how they would manage without him. The speaker concludes that no one in their family has failed. She now understands that being an adult is about behavior, responsibility, and contributing to a supportive network, which researchers call interdependence, rather than rugged individualism or where one lives. These unexpected extra years with Sawyer have become "bonus years," filled with the benefits and blessings of multigenerational living.