I Want To Leave My Husband But I'm Financially Trapped

The caller is contemplating leaving her husband due to 13 years of verbal abuse, which has become more apparent in the last five years since their daughter was born. She doesn't want her four-year-old daughter to grow up witnessing this type of treatment. They have tried couples therapy, but it hasn't been effective, and she feels she's at her wit's end. Her primary concern is feeling financially trapped due to their accumulated debt. She earns approximately $56,000 a year and believes she can live on that income as a single person in her area. The couple's total debt includes a camper loan, a truck loan, a four-wheeler loan (all belonging to the husband), $12,000 in credit card debt, and her $27,000 in student loan debt. Their home is valued at $235,000, with an outstanding mortgage of $179,000, leaving some equity. The advice given emphasizes that while staying together is ideal, it's not advisable in an abusive situation without clear progress. Divorce, in this context, becomes a business transaction involving incomes, assets, and liabilities. The immediate next step is to gather information by consulting a divorce attorney. This will alleviate anxiety by providing a clear understanding of how the divorce process might unfold, including the division of assets and debts. A good divorce attorney can quickly outline potential outcomes, such as the husband retaining his personal loans for the camper, truck, and four-wheeler. The house could be sold, with the equity used to pay off credit card debt and potentially some student loan or other debts. In most cases, equity would be split equally. The caller has a state pension fund through her employer, and her husband is believed to have a 401k, though with minimal funds. He earns around $50,000 a year, similar to her income. The caller is encouraged to learn about child support and alimony, which are crucial variables in her situation. She is likely not as financially trapped as she perceives. Selling the house, paying off debts, and starting over in a one or two-bedroom apartment on her $56,000 salary is presented as a viable option. Her feeling of being trapped stems partly from caring for her husband and feeling responsible for the shared debts. However, it's pointed out that many of the debts are for his "toys," and in a divorce, it's a business transaction, not a romantic one where she should pay for things she doesn't owe. It's suggested that if she wants to take on his debts, she might as well try to save the marriage. Once the decision to divorce is made, it becomes "every man for himself." Her husband could also sell his recreational vehicles and truck to eliminate his debt. Both individuals are expected to be financially stable on the other side of a divorce. The only "trapping" identified is the decision to hold onto unaffordable possessions and, more significantly, staying in an abusive relationship. Gaining clarity through legal counsel could empower her, changing her demeanor and approach to therapy sessions if she chooses to continue them. Knowing her strong financial position could give her confidence. While a better outcome would be for her husband to address his behavior, sell off unnecessary possessions, and eliminate debt, she is not trapped unless she chooses to be. The husband's spending on items like a camper, four-wheeler, and truck is characterized as "out of control buying crap," typically associated with men. The caller acknowledges her participation in some of these financial decisions, taking responsibility for her part. Knowing the facts about asset and debt division will help her move forward. The emotional stress of the unknown is highlighted as being greater than dealing with clear, even if bad, news.