Why longevity requires you to grieve | Julie Miller | TEDxNewbury Street Women

When considering longevity and aging, it's crucial to acknowledge both the opportunities and the profound losses that accumulate over time. The speaker's personal experience with grief, following the death of her daughter, underscored this realization, particularly after witnessing the resilience of older women like Libby, who had faced significant losses. While longevity in the United States has seen life expectancy double over the past century due to advancements in public health, medicine, science, and technology, the modern paradigm demands a more nuanced approach than simply retirement planning. It now encompasses questions about future activities, living arrangements, mobility, care needs, and legacy. There are two dominant viewpoints on aging and longevity in Western societies. One celebrates older adulthood as a period of amazing adventures and opportunities, encouraging continued learning, working, traveling, and pursuing new passions well into one's 70s, 80s, and 90s. The other perspective views aging as something to be feared and fought against, focusing on battling wrinkles, disease, and chasing an elusive fountain of youth. Both of these narratives, however, conveniently sidestep the vital truth that aging is not a straightforward path but a winding road filled with a series of experiences, including inevitable losses. The speaker shared a story about two women who met in a "write your own obituary" group, brought together by their shared experiences of loss and a desire to plan their legacies. Unexpectedly, they fell in love and married, illustrating that longevity is indeed full of opportunities, but these opportunities often exist alongside deep losses. The more we live, the more we stand to lose, from loved ones and relationships to businesses and a sense of purpose. Yet, grief and loss remain heavily stigmatized in society, making it difficult to discuss them openly. Statistically, longer lives mean an increased likelihood of losing family members, friends, and other influential figures. However, the concept of loss extends beyond people or beloved animals to include things like purpose, identity, and connections. For example, the speaker introduced Jane, who celebrated her 101st birthday despite experiencing late-onset permanent hearing loss at age 86. This type of loss, common among older adults, can lead to social isolation and disenfranchised grief—grief that isn't socially acknowledged or validated. Similarly, while many people retire happily, others experience significant challenges. Rates of substance abuse and depression spike in the one to three years following formal retirement, and many individuals find themselves in retirement due to health issues or ageism, rather than actively choosing it. These experiences are also accompanied by grief that often goes unrecognized or minimized. Other examples of loss include older caregivers no longer having someone to care for, or older individuals losing the ability to participate in activities they once enjoyed, such as singing in a choir or volunteering. Ignoring these losses can lead to unacknowledged or minimized grief. The collective commitment to discussing and naming loss within the new longevity paradigm is not only comforting but also protective. Acknowledging losses can shield individuals from cascading risks across mental, physical, and financial domains. For instance, in the United States, an estimated $124 trillion is expected to transfer hands across generations over the next 20 years, while dementia rates are projected to double over the next 35 years. Research indicates that individuals can lose up to half of their wealth in the eight years preceding a formal dementia diagnosis, partly due to the refusal to discuss loss. Diagnoses often come too late, or people may be too afraid to acknowledge changes in judgment, memory, or communication that could signal dementia. Stronger mental health, fostered by emotional support after a loss, can lead to positive outcomes like lower rates of depression, substance abuse, and anxiety. It can also provide protection against the decline from stress-exacerbated conditions such as diabetes, arthritis, and heart disease. Furthermore, robust emotional support can create financial buffers, potentially protecting individuals from exploitation, fraud, and addictive gambling. Women, who generally live longer than men, tend to accumulate and quarterback more losses over time, highlighting the significant potential benefits of naming loss for their health, wealth, and overall well-being. To normalize loss in the new longevity paradigm, three key actions are suggested. First, get curious about loss by exploring what kinds of losses people are experiencing in various spheres of influence, their meaning, and how they shift perspectives on longer lives. This exploration can foster connection and understanding. Second, prepare ourselves and others for loss. While daunting, engaging with tools like long-term care insurance and estate planning services, which require confronting loss, is crucial. Despite the acknowledged importance of having a will or an advanced directive, many people delay these preparations. Third, respond to loss with authenticity. In the face of someone else's loss, even a simple, heartfelt statement like, "I've been thinking about you, and my heart is with you," can be profoundly appreciated, as silence can inadvertently magnify the pain. The speaker concludes by emphasizing that loss is an inevitable part of life, comparing it to "buses" that come for everyone. However, by naming loss in the new longevity paradigm, individuals can better navigate its complexities and honor both the amazing opportunities and the deep losses that come with longer lives.