Voci | Mary Benedetti | TEDxSalò

The speaker, Dr. Tanya Cushman, shares her personal journey of living with psychosis schizoaffective, depressive type, and an obsessive-compulsive personality disorder. She begins by acknowledging that these medical diagnoses can be frightening, but she aims to tell her story. She describes herself as a "normal girl" before the onset of her illness, working long hours as a barista, enjoying social life with friends, and not having any dependencies on alcohol or drugs. She felt like a strong woman who had overcome many challenges, living her life until the age of 29. The illness began with a series of unfortunate circumstances, primarily the loss of her job after three years when her workplace closed. This event, combined with getting her driver's license and moving in with her family, led to the onset of disturbances. Initially, these disturbances manifested as audible hallucinations, which she perceived as a divine desire or something beautiful. These voices, which began in 2011-2012, told her what to do and followed her throughout the day, seeming benevolent at first. Over time, the hallucinations expanded to include bodily and visual sensations, such as seeing people with monstrous faces and feeling a presence or something in her stomach. However, a turning point occurred when the voices became malevolent. One morning, they explicitly told her she had to die because she had made a pact with the devil and deserved to suffer "hell on earth." Feeling there was no solution, she attempted to escape, driven by the voices. She took her car, leaving a cable in the house because her mother tried to prevent her from leaving. She drove for about 45-50 minutes, experiencing a period of confusion she doesn't fully recall. Upon returning home, her mother called her doctor, leading to her first psychiatric hospitalization. During this time, the voices persisted, telling her she needed "grace." She experienced alternating moments of lucidity and non-lucidity. She vividly remembers spending an entire night in the hospital, jacket and bag in hand, insisting to doctors that she wasn't mad and didn't belong there, identifying herself as "Mary, the barista," and trying to find keys to escape. The next day, her father picked her up, but returning home proved to be worse. The voices continued, she became apathetic, experienced difficulty walking, and could no longer work. Feeling like a burden and "spacciata" (doomed), she desired only to die. After accumulating sleeping pills for two to three weeks, she waited for her mother to sleep and took them, believing she wouldn't wake up until noon and thus wouldn't disturb anyone. Contrary to her expectation, she woke up at 8 AM. She doesn't recall the immediate aftermath, but her mother told her she was intubated and in the intensive care unit for 36 hours. When she awoke, she didn't want to be saved, marking a low point. However, this moment also became the "first light" of her recovery, which began about six months later with psychiatrist Dr. Galli. She then entered a community residential facility (CRA) for two years, where she began a gradual recovery process. She credits the team of psychologists, educators, and doctors for their support. Despite her initial apathy, she engaged in various activities, finding a "small light" in moments like going to the gym and walking. During this period, she found a partner, got engaged, and began vocational training for an asylum. Her life seemed to be back on track, a possibility she once thought impossible. Approximately four years later, a significant setback occurred when her fiancé left her shortly before their wedding. She struggled to accept this loss, leading to a relapse. Despite her insistence that she was fine, her doctor recognized her decline, noting her increasing apathy and the return of voices, albeit temporarily. Her disease also affected her articulation. This relapse led to another psychiatric hospitalization, followed by a return to the CRA community. She underwent another intensive period of therapy and support from doctors, nurses, educators, and pharmacists for a year and a half. Initially, she felt it was a "crazy delusion" to believe in recovery, but time proved to be a fundamental factor in her healing, allowing her to process things "one thing at a time, a piece at a time." This second time, she had more belief in her ability to recover. Currently, she is doing "almost everything," with some lingering issues with her legs, though they are improving. She has been out of the community since 2019, remains under medical control, follows a pharmacological treatment, and attends psychology and psychiatry appointments every two months. She acknowledges having "highs and lows" but emphasizes that she is managing. She expresses gratitude to everyone who supported her, especially her mother, whom she credits with saving her life. She shares her story to offer a message of hope: that with compassion and unity, people can overcome challenges, no matter how big or small. She hopes her speech helps others face difficult periods in their lives, concluding by thanking the audience for giving her the opportunity to conquer her fears and return to living.