Stop Start in Love

The phenomenon of "push-pull" or "stop-start" in relationships is a widespread and often painful experience. It involves a pattern of growing intimacy followed by retreat, such as good days followed by a fight, or warm messages followed by silence. This behavior, though seemingly a curse, is a logical mechanism to protect one or both parties from an unconscious fear that love might succeed, leading to vulnerability and potential catastrophic loss. The fear is that if a true partnership builds and dependency grows, the other person might change their mind, leave, or even die. To prevent such worries, the "stop-start" lover employs a dispiriting game, ensuring that love never gains too much velocity. Intimacy is allowed but always within bounds, and exits must remain open. Too much security is paradoxically seen as a danger. This game involves vigilant monitoring of exchanges and quiet injections of disappointment. If one moment is beautiful, the next must be moody; if dialogue is cozy, a disappearance follows. This behavior stems from unresolved past letdowns where coziness was achieved and then abruptly torn away. Those who engage in stop-start love often do so unconsciously, unaware that they are interrupting affection in the name of self-protection and hurting their partner. They simply feel an overwhelming need to pause, not respond, or withhold declarations of love. For those on the receiving end, understanding this phenomenon is the most effective weapon. It's crucial to accurately describe it as it appears, explain its potential reasons, offer chances for reform, and then be prepared to walk away, recognizing that lonely calm can be preferable to continually agitated togetherness.