Bruce Willis's Beach House Has a Problem

This critique focuses on Bruce Willis's former Caribbean mansion on Parrot Cay, a 4.5-mile strip of land off Turks and Caicos, featuring 13 private residences and the Koma resort. The property, spanning over 1,100 feet of beach frontage across three homes, is currently on the market for $37.5 million. The previous owner bought it for $27 million, sold it for $30 million, and incurred a loss. The island prohibits cars, relying on golf carts and utility vehicles. Architecturally, the mansion presents a challenge. From one angle, it resembles a "coffee table or tropical parking lot," but from the beach side, it adopts a luxury resort interpretation of British West Indies style, a subcategory of Caribbean architecture. The reviewer notes that traditional Caribbean architecture is becoming a "dying art" due to its ornate nature, with modern preferences leaning towards cleaner lines for relaxation. The house is set back from the street on a 7.37-acre lot. A significant architectural flaw identified is the disproportionate portico, which, while necessary for rain protection, "completely screws up the facade of the building." Other flaws are highlighted throughout the tour. The exterior features hardwood cladding and palm trees, blending with the landscaping. Upon entering, a covered entry leads to a wraparound deck and the front door. Inside, a staircase leads to the top floor, and a powder room serves the common areas. The great room offers ocean views and access to the backyard via sliding glass doors, with dining and seating areas. Despite the "wow factor" of the oceanfront view, the ceiling height is criticized as "really, really low for how wide the space is," and the dining table's placement in the center, away from the view, is deemed a mistake. The property boasts 12 bedrooms, 14.5 bathrooms, approximately 17,000 square feet of space under the roof, and the aforementioned 7.37-acre lot with 1,100 feet of beach frontage. The main kitchen, located around a corner, is criticized for not being open to the views and facing away from the water, which is seen as a major architectural flaw related to the roof shape and home placement. The kitchen features a light and bright color palette, shaker cabinetry, a commercial fridge, a central island, a sink, and a gas stove. The main floor includes two guest suites, each with a king-size bed, French doors to the outdoors, clad walls, and a full bathroom with glazed tiles, quartz countertops, and a walk-in shower. The closet space in these suites is considered inadequate. The use of subway tiles, also seen in the kitchen, is disliked. A screening room offers seating and a TV, with a door opening to the wraparound deck. It's noted that while the location away from the view is understandable, the choice of couch is questionable, making it feel more like a TV room than a movie theater. The top floor, designed for children, features a small table and a seating area that opens to a wraparound balcony. However, the ocean views from this level are obstructed by bushy landscaping, a significant disappointment for a vacation home. The children's area includes vaulted ceilings, swing chairs, a TV, and two couches. The staging of this area is criticized for not including amenities like foosball or ping-pong tables. Two bunk rooms are on this level. The first, with lighter tones and built-in seating, is deemed "horrible" due to the quality of the bunk beds. A small adjacent room, possibly a former closet or bathroom, is suggested for more bunk beds, but the overall impression is likened to a "hostel." A full bathroom with a long vessel sink and two walk-in showers serves this area. The second floor initially housed Bruce Willis's primary bedroom suite but was converted into a children's play area by the current owners, a decision deemed a "horrible mistake" as it sacrificed the prime location with incredible ocean views. The current owners moved their suite to a separate house at the edge of the property. The second bunk room on this level further emphasizes the focus on accommodating many children, prompting a sarcastic remark about targeting a "Mormon demographic." A dining area, located in front of the entrance, is considered too small for a property of this caliber, especially given the number of bedrooms. The reviewer suggests two proper dining areas: one larger, closer to the house, and another designated area away from the house for a unique "camping-like" experience. The backyard features a zero-edge pool with breathtaking views, connecting decking between the homes, and beach access points with outdoor showers and footwashes. There are four pools in total, including a kids' pool. The first detached casita is a one-bedroom house with a bathroom and outdoor shower. The interior finishes, including custom cabinetry, quartz countertops, and oversized subway tiles, are considered "below par ultra luxury." The outdoor shower, with three showerheads, is criticized for being enclosed, lacking views. The owner suite, a detached guest home converted by the current owners, includes the primary bedroom, guest bedrooms, and common areas. Bruce Willis bought the land in the 2000s, spent four years developing the home, and lived in it for 15 years before selling it around 2019. He was reportedly involved in the construction, even staying in a tent. A significant flaw identified is the placement of the three structures on the 7.5-acre lot. Instead of utilizing the vast land for amenities like a three-par golf course or a guesthouse on the peninsula with "Queen necklace views," the structures were positioned next to each other, making it appear as if three separate lots were combined, limiting the property's potential. The owner suite's great room features vaulted ceilings, two AC units, and mood lighting. However, the pyramid hip roof design creates cavities and makes partitioning difficult, a common problem with this architectural style, leading to increased costs and height limitations. The office in the owner suite has sliding glass doors, vaulted ceilings, wood-paneled walls, and a desk facing the views. Its bathroom includes a walk-in closet and another outdoor shower with three showerheads, again criticized for being enclosed. Subway tiles are used throughout the property. The kitchen in the owner suite also faces the wrong way. Another guest suite features a full bathroom and another bedroom facing away from the views. The primary bedroom suite, however, faces the views and includes a shallow wall design leading to a full bathroom with a walk-in closet, freestanding tub, and an outdoor shower. This is noted as the first proper closet seen in the entire compound. A crucial flaw is the lack of boat access, a pier, or a dock, due to shallow water. This is a significant negative for potential buyers with expensive yachts. The beach itself is beautiful, with 1,123 feet of frontage and powder-like sand. The peninsula on the northern side is highlighted as a missed opportunity for a guesthouse. The layouts of the three structures are criticized for being "cookie-cutter" and lacking individuality. The presence of a resort on the island also raises questions about the necessity of so many bedrooms in a compound. The final detached guest home where the reviewer stayed features a central pool, outdoor seating areas, and a yoga pavilion that could potentially be used for outdoor dining. The great room in this home also mirrors the layout of the owner suite, reinforcing the "carbon copy" design criticism. The property is given an "AR score": * **Location:** 7. While Turks and Caicos is beautiful, the specific location is prone to mosquitoes (a deal-breaker), lacks a dock for resale value, and carries a 10% sales tax, leading to a 15% loss on sale when combined with agent commissions. * **Lot Quality:** 10 (7 acres on the beach). * **Lot Utilization:** "Really disappointing," should have been a 10 but is lowered due to the copy-pasted design and inefficient placement of structures. * **Privacy:** 9. The island is private, and the property is perched with bushes, but beachfront access inherently reduces perfect privacy. * **Law Orientation:** 9. West-facing with setbacks and windows, close to the equator, minimizing sun impact. * **Architectural Style:** 6. The front is "butt ugly" due to the portico, and the style failed to capitalize on the frontage. * **Views:** 7.5. Landscaping blocks views from the first and second floors, making them a "tease" rather than direct ocean views. * **Layout:** 7. Despite good indoor-outdoor flow, the bedroom count and setup are flawed, particularly in the main house, which lacked identity and was not curated for the typical American demographic visiting Turks and Caicos. * **Scale and Volume:** 6. The main residence had low ceilings on the first floor, though some bedrooms had vaulted ceilings. * **Finishes:** 5. Described as "as average as it gets," comparable to "middle-class America."